Why I have cancer.
1. All that Diet Coke.
2. All those Marlboro Lights (really though, probably that era of the Benson and Hedges Deluxe Ultra Light Menthols)
3. I said "I've survived a brain aneurysm hemorrhage, so I get a 'Get Out of Cancer Free' card," and jinxed it.
4. I didn't make the switch to natural deodorant soon enough.
5. A white woman put a hex on me.*
*According to an illiterate Dominican woman reading tarot in Caracas, this was the reason I was unlucky in love. She prescribed a specific regimen of magic stinky body wash, candles and prayer, and I was engaged to Bob by the close of the year. The white woman may be angry I thwarted that hex, and had to re-hex, or it could be a different white woman. I have no current plans to go back to Caracas to find out.