Who can fuck off: a list.
I’ve had a lot of time to think about this.
1. The woman in Florida who bought out all of the toilet paper from the Dollar Tree. I mean, as the world’s biggest piece of shit, I guess I can see how she might need all that toilet paper. She didn’t need to yell “Go Donald Trump!” We all knew. She later claimed to have made the purchase for charity. Chances this was her original motive? Zero percent. Fuck off, you horrible woman.
2. Donald Trump. This anal sphincter wart continues to be the worst garbage person alive. But I can’t give him the satisfaction of being first on my list. That’s right, Donald; a hick woman nobody from Florida ranks higher than you. The fact Trump has an IQ of about ten is really becoming apparent, as he can’t keep anything straight. Are the states in charge? Is he the decider? Science? He really just wants to go golfing. He wants a prize for keeping the Corona death toll so low? That would be like giving Hitler an award for only slaughtering six million Jews. Good job, Hitler! Anyone else would have done 10 million, easy! Fuck off, Donald Trump.
3. Jared Kushner. He’s saying the words in his head out loud. Oops. “…the notion of the federal stockpile was it’s supposed to be our stockpile, it’s not supposed to be states’ stockpiles that they then use.” “OUR” stockpile? Like, for you and the rest of the pod people? Fuck off, Jared. Jared is apparently appointed to all of the task forces and committees, which is pretty impressive for someone who can’t get a security clearance and isn’t actually human.
4. Governor of South Dakota, Kristi Noem. Refused to implement a stay at home order because she values individual liberty and doesn’t believe government should dictate people’s behavior. UNLESS we’re talking about a woman wanting an abortion, then we’re going to crawl straight up into her uterus. Fuck off.
5. All the people protesting stay at home orders. Sigh. I don’t give a fuck how big your gun is, I’m not doing business with you now or whenever the state is “open for business.” Because you are an idiot, the chances that you’re currently carrying the virus or will be soon are VERY high, and it’s a risk I’m not willing to take. This bullshit is continued proof that Republicans are in no way pro-life. They’re pro money, at the expense of life. They’re pro-microscopic cell cluster. I don’t think they actually give a fuck about that. They just like stripping women of agency. I am in favor of these people congregating. I know it seems like the virus is not a big deal, especially in Minnesota, and ESPECIALLY especially in rural Minnesota. But keep hanging out. Share a beer. Lick some doorknobs. See how it goes. Fuck off, and stay the fuck away from me. And for later, I send you thoughts and prayers.
6. Anyone who is about to write a response to me saying “not all Republicans” or “not all Trump supporters” can fuck off. We’re too far down a very bad road. If you’re still defending that team in any way, you are the problem. Fuck. Off.
7. Progressive foundations are the reason Trump is president. There, I said it. All the navel gazing and circle jerking and fucking online forms with character counts and quantitative results. This is the reason we can’t have nice things. There is no shortage of good work happening. Figure out a way to move that money faster and easier. We outnumber them. There is no good reason they should be winning at every turn. Fucking figure it out. (In Letterkenny, “figure it oot.”)
8. All the people who are renewing their love for Trump because Trump gave them $1200 can fuck off. That’s maybe too harsh, as their addled brains can’t grasp that this money isn’t actually from Trump. Wait, what? It’s true. Also, how long will you be solvent with these scraps? A week? Two weeks? Enjoy it, because after that you’re back to Fuckedville. For whatever good it does you, thank the Democrats who put it in the bill. And know the minute you cash that check, you're a Communist.
9. Anybody who believes the word of Dr. Phil (not a medical doctor), Dr. Oz and Dr. Drew (medical doctors, but not experts in this area), or Fran Drescher’s wingnut anti-vaxxer ex-husband over the word of Dr. Fauci, “an American physician and immunologist who has served as the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases since 1984,” fuck off. You should be building a shrine in Dr. Fauci’s honor in your home, because if you’re still alive a year from now, it’s only because of his intervention. He’s in an uphill battle getting the president and his handlers on board. We would be done for if Fauci wasn’t there.
10. The person who decided to publish that zoo tigers have tested positive for corona virus. OH GREAT. I know I’m not the only one who has strategized on which pet we’d eat first, if it comes to that. Would cooking kill the virus? A nice long braise? Anyone else think it’s a little too convenient that we learn this about captive tigers just as the whole nation is watching Tiger King? Is this whole pandemic a masterfully presented ruse by animal rights activists to end wild animal captivity?
11. Anyone who thinks torture is a valid way to get information or compliance from our enemies can fuck off. It’s not a tactic that works. It’s needlessly barbaric and a truly fucked up practice. It’s because of you that we’re now plagued by a disease that is essentially the virus version of waterboarding. We do shitty things, we get shitty things. Thanks for that.
12. People who are littering their disposable gloves. What the fuck is wrong with you?