I had my first colonoscopy yesterday! I originally had one scheduled for shortly after I turned 50, but when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my doc said I could kick that can down the road. I did the mail-in tests for a couple years. Now that I’ve revealed myself as a cancer magnet, my surgeon at Mayo wanted me to have an actual colonoscopy just to check one of the common cancers off my list. I was lucky to get in on a cancelation at Methodist, which meant I could have it done in town rather than driving down to Mayo. Without that cancellation, I was looking at April for openings. Or, they would be looking at my opening in April.
I’ve mentioned the zero-fiber colonoscopy prep plan, which was like a forced vacation from healthy eating, and also surprisingly hard to do. The day before the procedure, you have your no-fiber breakfast and lunch, then go to clear liquids. I’d planned ahead and made homemade Jell-O out of apple juice and gelatin. Bought a bunch of bone broth and some fun sodas. Nothing red in color. I was ready.
The night before the procedure, at 7 pm I took the prescribed four laxative tablets. At 8 pm, I started chugging Golytely. This is a powder that comes in a 4-liter jug that you fill with water. I had two jugs. At first, I thought you drink one the night before and the other the day of, but then I realized that two different doctors had called in my prescription – I actually had twice the amount needed. I hadn’t prepared by buying any Crystal Light drink powder to make it more palatable, but at the last minute was able to scrounge a couple crusty Emergen-C packets from old backpacks. It wasn’t terrible. I didn’t mind it, even without a flavor addition. Tastes like airport drinking fountain water.
We started our evening television regime, and I waited. Nothing happened. Zero. I could definitely tell a couple liters of liquid were sloshing around my belly, and there were some interesting rumbles, but that was it. Went to bed and slept through the night without issue (i.e., didn’t shit the bed). I woke up worried that I wasn’t seeing any action. So I finished the first jug of Golytely, and, just for good measure, made a good dent in jug number two. With the goal, of course, of number two. I told Bob I was worried that I wouldn’t be prepared for my procedure. “Fear not!” he replied.
He was right. I guess I thought it would be different. More. I found out later that my excellent “no fiber” prep made everything much easier. But don’t forget, I topped off my dose of Golytely, which served to ensure that I was extra cleaned out. And a bit leaky. I feel like all of my valves are a bit shot, or I need all of my weatherstripping replaced. It’s not ideal.
The procedure itself was totally fine. Really! I think I was most nervous about the, ahem, point of entry, and I honestly have zero recollection of that part. They inject the heavenly drugs timed to hit your brain just as a tube is being shoved into your butt, and your brain pays more attention to the drugs than to the assault on your ass. I enjoyed watching the tour of my colon on the monitor. Four polyps were identified and removed. I felt a bit like I witnessed one of those crane-arm games where you try to pick up a toy in a big cage. Only very pink and inside my colon.
And Bob was on the case – I had, once again, taken an Uber to the appointment so Bob could stay home and keep the dogs from eating our cleaners. This time Bob answered the phone on the first ring and hopped into the car immediately to collect me. Again, we’re still not “even” (always worth asking, Bob), but he did very, very well. One could argue that it’s still in the realm of generally expected husband duties, which it is, but since he fucked it so royally the last time, I feel I should call it out when he does it right.